The First Lie Wins

My daughter has always had problems with truth and accountability. As a very young girl, she could lie while looking me directly in the eye and with a completely straight face. As a teenager, she added crocodile tears to her already perfected ability. As an adult, she states, lies in a very matter of fact; way. As if she came to this conclusion after careful consideration and discovered this “truth” in therapy. It’s scary the way I have watched this talent evolve. She could be an Oscar-winning actress.

Most of these lies aren’t even logical. Anyone can easily poke holes in them. There is usually some written proof of the lie, like text messages, journals, even court documents. However, that never seems to matter. She will stick with the lie until the very end.

Everyone lies, right? What’s the big deal? These are not the little white lies you tell because you are late for work. These lies are heartbreaking. These are character assassinating lies. These lies are often used as a weapon. If you say something she doesn’t like, get ready, an awful lie about you is on the way. These are lies she tells to convince herself that it’s not her fault her life is the way it is. These are lies to avoid accountability. These are lies that divide a family.

This reminds me of a show I watched on Hulu called Catherine The Great. The main character once said, “The first lie wins.” I realize how true that is. My daughter tells a lie, and everyone goes on the defense. If you give the lie too much attention, you look guilty. If you don’t try to disprove the lie, it means you accept that it’s true. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The first lie wins.

I admit I am usually the first to react to my daughter’s lies. I am the only one in the family that talks to her consistently. The rest of my family keeps their distance. My first reaction is hurt. Then, I try to figure out why she lied. Next, I gently try to tell her the truth. After that, I spend time digging up the proof. Finally, I am just angry. Angry that I’ve gone through all this. Angry that the rest of the family has washed their hands of her. Angry that she doesn’t seem to be changing.

That anger and hurt trickle down to the rest of the family. They become angry because they feel my energy. They immediately know it’s an attack from my daughter. The only drama in our family has to do with her. Then they subconsciously resent her as well. It’s a never-ending cycle caused by a ridiculous lie that she told to cause pain because she is in pain.

Here’s the problem. I can’t give up on her. My love is unconditional. She isn’t broken, just unfinished. I’m going to love her through it because that’s what moms do. I have been encouraging her to see a therapist for years. I have even offered to pay for therapy. At some point, I have to believe she will get some help. In the meantime, my therapist is making a killing off me.

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