On Mother Mary

It is Christmas time again, and I keep wondering what all we don’t know about Mother Mary. Let’s explore!

This stems from a series of exchanges with my preschool aged son who is way too smart for his age in my opinion. Although, being his mother, I am biased. His questioning and curiosity, and the way he forms opinions about people and the world around him make me think he’s a very old soul. It is something completely wholesome and different to see the world for the first time through him. My approach to life has always been, “I’m forever five!” As in I will always hold on to the awe and wonder, silliness, playfulness, and inquiry I had as a child, and never take anything for granted, and don’t be afraid to try new things, especially if you’re afraid of doing them. This has always been important to me. But it is one thing seeing them with the awe and wonder I hold as an adult and something else seeing him explore the world for the very first time. It forces me to look in even further than what I usually explore within myself.

A few days ago I told him it was my voice in a video game I had worked on to which his response was, “That’s not you! You’re just mommy!” His words hit me right in the gut. I was frazzled at first. Kind of angry at his defiance to a simple fact about me, to be completely honest. My feelings were definitely hurt. I didn’t know what to say. I think my response to him was something along the lines of, “I am your mommy, but I also do other things. To other people I hold a different place. I love you forever,” and I kissed him. This is about when I excused myself to the next room to cry and mull it over, because of course I did. I mean, he had just “cookie cut” me the way the outside world did when I was growing up, and I know he didn’t mean to, but it hurt because it was coming from him and I truly didn’t expect it. But there was no way he would have known any better. He was reacting the best way he knew how at his tiny age of 3.

I was always very independent and goal oriented, always seeking wisdom from others, learning their stories, etc. It was part of normal life for me because of working in theatre. The more you know about the world and other people the better you are at representing it in the media. The human experience was a very different one before the little man arrived to shake things up. But it’s more like he turned it upside down and shook it and then lit it on fire. In the best way possible, of course!

The next exchange I want to share happened a day or so ago. We were driving to see Santa, and he asked me to play Christmas music while on the road. I use Pandora, so I set it to my Christmas station, which, if you aren’t familiar with how algorithm based apps work, well, if it’s an orchestration, and Christmas music has a lot of it, then any orchestration is possible to play. Star Wars started playing. I, of course, was very pleased and turned up the volume. I heard from the back seat, “What is this, Mommy?” And I said excitedly, “It’s Star Wars!” And he replied with, “What do YOU know about Star Wars, Mommy?” If I had no sense about me I would have slammed on the breaks. I slammed on those emotional breaks, though, for sure. My heart dropped. It was a dramatic reaction, but I was frazzled again!

If you know me you know that I am all about Star Wars. It has always been a huge part of my life experience. If I’m feeling excited, or sad, or angry, I put on Star Wars. If I’m pondering life, I put on Star Wars. If I’m feeling romantic, which I am definitely a hopeless romantic, I put on Star Wars. For everything, there is Star Wars! And I pray right along with it.

So, when this kid… this blessed, beloved fruit of my loins, said this, I froze. Again, emotionally, of course. I mean, I was driving. So, I took a breath, and I explained to him that I like Star Wars so much that when we found out he was on the way to make my husband and me parents I immediately chose Star Wars as the decor for his bedroom. I explained that I have seen every single movie and show and Daddy has a collection of books, and I have books of my own- all Star Wars, and I mean, the detolf shelf right outside his bedroom on the landing is of all Star Wars action figures. The amount of Star Wars merchandise in our house is unsettling. If we had to pick one franchise, it’s Star Wars. Even his names come from Star Wars. Explaining all this to him was… well, he didn’t care. He still didn’t believe me.

These and other experiences with my tiny one make me think of what all we don’t know about Mother Mary. What did she like? What displeased her? Did she like doing chores? What did she do before Jesus? Was she just washing clothes day in and day out? Did she do woodworking along with Joseph and Jesus to some extent? Did she like math and was she in charge of the measurements, like was she the architect and Joseph was the muscle? Like, was she the brain behind the building? This is something I mentioned to friends and they wondered if she did woodworking, too. I know back then women held a different position in society and these suggestions may be unlikely, but what do we not know about her? I know this is not important to our Faith, but to me, as an artist, as a curious human, and as a mother, I am curious to know her stories.

Now, refocusing on the birth of Christ and Mother Mary as a mother, we know that she gave birth in what we now would consider unsettling conditions, and they probably were considered unsettling back then, but you know… hospitals. So, she was tired, in miserable conditions, postpartum, in a stable in a strange land… you get the idea. She would be the equivalent of a modern day refugee. We all know this part of the story, but what about the details? What got me thinking was, who else was there? Who helped her get her footing as a brand new mother? Was it just her and Joseph figuring things out, or were there other people there to help her? Did she feel the pain of childbirth or was she free from it because she was delivering our Savior? Imagine Joseph’s absolute panic while she was in labor. Did he faint like a lot of fathers do when their wives are giving birth? So many questions, and they are all trivial, I almost feel like it’s insulting to even ask or wonder about these things. However, these are things I never thought to ask before I became a mother.

Continuing my thoughts, raising a son is… intense. A whole lot of fun, but intense. He’s a blank slate and yet a whole little person. There are so many things to guide him through and knowledge to pass down. I wonder how much of that Mary had to do. Jesus was human, but also God Incarnate. So, how much did he actually know about his mother? Did he know his mom as, “Just Mommy?” When she tried to guide him in the right direction about something she knew did he reply with, “What do YOU know about the subject, Mommy?” We know about the situation that was created where she told him to turn the water into wine, and it was his first miracle, and he was hesitant to do it- annoyed at her because he wasn’t ready. So, that gives us a peek into their relationship as mother and son, but how many other times did Mary have to ask him to do things, and was it mundane things like picking up after himself and putting his laundry where it went? Or did she ask him big questions about the Universe and God and spirituality?

Moms always do things behind the scenes for others who may or may not know what they’re up to. All my kid knows is Mommy helps him do things- feeds him, bathes him, plays with him, and most importantly, loves him. He doesn’t see all of me. Not yet. And he may never. Even if he decides to become a parent or happens to become a parent, there are things he will never know about me, whether it’s because I choose to keep the information from him or because he may not think to ask because men’s experiences and roles are different than women’s.

We are constantly breaking old norms and giving a more equal say on social matters, and that’s great! More can always be done to level the playing field, so one way I’m doing a little part in flattening the field is I’m teaching my son how to cook. He really likes cooking and baking with me, so I’m fostering that. I’m teaching him little things that are a great help, like putting the toilet seat, and even the lid, down when he goes to the bathroom. (Potty training! Lawwwd! How did Mary do it?! Well, not like they had modern toilets back then.) There are a number of things I’ve been teaching him, and I know there will be many more. You’re welcome, future partner(s) of my child.

In conclusion, as a mother, not just the mother of Jesus, but as a human mother, I wonder what all else Mother Mary did behind the scenes that we don’t know about.

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